As spirituality has gotten more mainstream, I’m seeing more an more that some common spiritual phrases are frequently being labeled as “toxic.”
Phrases like “everything happens for a reason,” and “be grateful” have become terms that some people use to dismiss and minimize experiences.
And while I definitely don’t agree with how some of these phrases are used, I also don’t believe we have to write them off entirely. Instead, I think we need to understand their true intent and use them responsibly.
So, does everything really happen for a reason? Here are my no bullshit thoughts on this and other spiritual phrases.
No bullshit thoughts on the spiritual phrases
Personally, I believe some of what people have started to call “toxic positivity” is really a gross oversimplification of some more complex phrases.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying toxic positivity isn’t real. It is. However, I think it’s more of an overall attitude and approach to a situation, and less about the use of individual phrases. It’s an unwillingness to acknowledge a struggle/truth and a desire to justify or make sense of misfortune in a “positive” way. This is unhelpful at best and harmful at worst.
I’m also not saying these phrases can’t be used in a toxic, dismissive, or unhealthy way–they can and they have been, especially more recently.
But I also don’t think we have to slap a toxic label on spiritual phrases (and spirituality in general) just because their meanings have gotten boiled down to oversimplified, generalized, or dismissive blanket statements.
Instead, I think we need to talk why some of these phrases are much more complex than how they’re being used, and use them responsibly.
Let’s unpack a few of the most common phrases.
Everything happens for a reason
This phrase is probably the biggest offender, so we’ll spend most of our time with it.
For the most part, I actually do believe this. But I think it’s much more complex (and sometimes a lot less spiritual) than it’s used most of the time.
When spirituality is at play
To me, this phrase fits best when a series of independent choices or circumstances line up to create a path forward for you. These choices may seem positive or negative for you in the moment (some may even be devastating), but they were a series of independent events that brought you to a specific destination.
For instance, let’s say you’re at a job you hate, but it’s stable and pays well, so you’re resistant to leave. Then, your company is downsizing and decides that you’re going to be laid off. This is not a personal choice. It’s simply what’s best for them and their business.
At the same time, another company is growing and looking for someone with your qualifications. It’s less money, but closer to home, less hours, and a better work environment. You act, apply, get the job, and find yourself happier, more appreciated and engaged in your work.
Those independent events put you on a path to growth and success. Something that seemed like a bad thing (getting laid off), was actually one of the best things that could have happened to you.
Everything happens for a reason.
Or if you’re trying to get a project off the ground and you find that things keep getting delayed. People aren’t answering your emails, or you’re having some technical glitches that are slowing your progress.
Then in the process of fixing these glitches or waiting for a response, you learn something vital about yourself or your project that allows it to soar.
In this case, these delays happened for a reason. The Universe was giving you time and space to learn something important to help you succeed. (This has definitely happened to me on several occasions.)
When things get less spiritual
I think the biggest oversimplifications of this phrase comes when we talk about tragedy and misfortune.
If we’re going to be literal, I guess you could say I actually do believe these things happen for a reason too–it just usually isn’t a spiritual one. I believe these cases are more about about a person’s free will or the realities of being human.
Free will
For instance, let’s say someone gets brutally mugged.
I do believe this happened for a reason. The reason is that the mugger was being an asshole.
This person used their free will to make a dangerous and harmful choice and someone got hurt as a result. That’s it. That’s the reason.
People have free will and when they use it irresponsibly, it can harm other people. The universe co-creates, it does not control. We all have free will, and because we’re an interconnected species, our free will can affect each other.
Being human
Similarly, when people get diseases or severe injuries, I believe the reason those things happen is simply because we are human. Granted, some more minor illnesses and injuries can be signs that we need t slow down and take care of ourselves.
But I also think we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Sometimes human bodies break or get sick.
I also believe spirituality (in conjunction with modern medicine) has the potential to help you heal from this type of situation, but I don’t believe there’s necessarily a spiritual reason for every illness or injury. It’s simply a part of the human experience.
Ultimately, I do not believe the universe wants anyone’s well-being to be threatened, so I don’t believe there is always a higher spiritual reason when really horrific things happen.
Can you learn something from the situation? Sure. I think you can learn something in almost any instance, but I don’t think it’s the only way for you to learn a lesson. And I don’t think it’s why tragedy and misfortune happen.
With that said, I think there sometimes can be a spiritual reason for illness. I think the more aligned you are, the more naturally healthy you are. This makes your immune system stronger, which naturally makes it easier to ward off illness.
I’ve also seen too many people see interpret a life-threatening illness as a wake up call and change their lives for the better. I’m not looking to discount these experiences. If you personally believe you have a sickness, injury, or disability for a spiritual reason, then you should absolutely trust that feeling.
But if that doesn’t resonate with you, it’s okay to release that idea. People have free will and human bodies get sick and die. That can be reason enough.
And ultimately, I think using this phrase to justify someone else’s pain and suffering from a spiritual stand point can be irresponsible and dismissive. The person suffering gets to unpack their pain and given meaning (or not) in their own time.
If they land on a spiritual reason, it’s okay to support that if you agree. Otherwise, I think it’s important to keep any potentially harmful opinions to yourself and let people walk their own journey.
Good vibes only
I’ll be honest, I’m not really a “good vibes only” person. I genuinely enjoy wading through tough and challenging emotions.
I think that’s part of why I love doing the work I do. I think dark emotions have important information and when you sit with them and fully understand them, you can use that information to create real lasting change in your life.
But while I may not be a big fan of this phrase, I still think you can use it in a positive way.
I think on the whole, this phrase was intended to be a call to action and self love. So many people give their time and energy to situations and people who suck them dry day after day.
These places and people aren’t just having a bad day. They’re energy is constantly negative and soul-sucking. That can be damaging to your overall well-being.
I think this phrase was designed to encourage people to choose the work, people, and environments that energize you and give you good vibes. Overall, that’s something I believe in.
But it’s unrealistic and damaging to expect good vibes 100% of the time. I don’t believe this phrase should be used to ignore your own emotions or someone else’s, or to say something bad hasn’t happened when it definitely has.
That’s not “good vibes” to me. It’s a gross overuse of this phrase, and it’s hurtful to everyone involved.
Stay positive
“Stay positive” is similar. These days it’s often used as a way to talk someone out of a negative emotion. “Don’t be sad, you’ve got to stay positive!” But telling people not to feel how they feel is, once again, really hurtful and unsupportive.
To me, stay positive means knowing that even your darkest and most painful emotions won’t last forever, and that the best thing you can do is feel them, and move through them. If we do this, there will be a light on the other side.
Staying positive is believing in that light on the other side. It’s not adding a silver lining to a bad situation, and it’s not dismissing how we or anyone else may feel.
It’s simply believing that if we allow ourselves to move through the process, we won’t feel bad forever.
Be grateful
And while “be grateful” is used the least offensively of the three here, I think it still gets misused enough to be worth mentioning.
Gratitude is a big part of spirituality, and I’m a big believer in being grateful. But I don’t believe you have to be grateful for the bad things that happen to you.
If you experience a natural disaster, you don’t have to be grateful for that.
However, I do think the way out of those bad situations is to find something to be grateful for. So in the aftermath of the disaster, you might be grateful for the safety of your family or all the people who helped you through the situation.
I also don’t think you need to “be grateful it wasn’t worse” because that can minimize an experience. Something can almost always be worse. It doesn’t mean what happened wasn’t bad.
Similar to what we mentioned before, part of being human and living on Earth means things of our humanity, environment, or the free will of others may hurt us. You don’t have to be grateful for the pain and suffering, but you can support yourself through the situation by finding other things to be grateful for.
You attracted this
Attraction is much more complex than I can fit in this post, and there’s a lot more to it than this. But overall, I don’t believe we often attract specific catastrophes into our lives.
However, I do believe our general belief systems attracts our experiences, and they’ll be as positive or negative as we expect them to be.
So while I don’t believe anyone ever “attracts” a car accident to them, if you generally believe that bad things happen to you, or things don’t work out for you, then negative experience in all forms or more likely to find you. At some point, that experience may be a car accident.
But, like we talked about earlier, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.
And while we can definitely work with the universe to create our dream lives and tip the scale in our favor, it’s also important to remember that “bad” things are part of the human experience.
I think you can work with the universe to significantly minimize the bad things that happen to you. But I don’t think we’d have the full human experience if we weren’t put in positions to experience the full spectrum of human emotions.
Sometimes, bad things have to happen for us to have full human experience.
So I do believe there are some negative experiences we attract to ourselves (I can definitely put my finger on plenty of my own), but I don’t thing we create every bad thing that happens to us.
Once again, sometimes it’s just part of being human.
The bottom line
It’s okay to buy into these phrases, but know their limits
If you take the time to dig deep into the true spiritual meaning of phrases like the ones we have in the post, you’re likely to find that they’re intended to be used in a very non-toxic way.
I think most of these phrases, at their core, have good and helpful messages and beliefs behind them, and I think it’s okay for us to lean on them when we need support, or to share them with others.
However, it’s important to know their limits and know that you can’t use spirituality to escape being human. Instead, use it as a tool to support you through your human journey.
And before you drop a phrase on someone else, consider if it’s more likely to come off as supporting them or dismissing them. If it’s that latter, find something else to share.
Additionally, part of knowing the limits of these phrases is knowing when to use them. If your friend just broke up with someone she thought she was going to marry, you may have the perspective to know that person wasn’t right for her and that room is being made for someone who’s a better fit.
But saying “everything happens for a reason” while she’s still reeling would be a little insensitive. I do think this perspective can be helpful in this situation, but in the beginning, just hold space for your friend time to process and heal a little first.
This is true for almost any more intense situation.
Ask for clarifications and make corrections
If you’re on the receiving end of one of these phrases and the use feels irresponsible to you, it can be easy to either shut down when someone says this or get snappy and tell that person off.
Instead, it would be better to first, as them what they mean by that. Because these phrases have become so generalized, sometimes people either have different or more helpful meaning behind their phrase than you might expect. And sometimes, it’s exactly what you thought it was, but it’s important to be sure instead of making assumptions.
From there, try pointing out a helpful way to use that phrase and why the tact they took was unhelpful.
Of course, you don’t have to do all of this in the moment if you’re the one reeling from an event, but ultimately, we change the collective consciousness and use of these phrases challenging their current use and introducing a new perspective.
If we want people to stop using these phrases in a toxic way, we have to point out when it’s happening.
Be reasonable about how you take phrases in general settings
I don’t know when it happened, but more and more on the internet, I’ve seen people take phrases in general settings, apply it to a very personal and specific situation, then get upset at the content creator because applying it to the specific situation makes the phrase insensitive and irresponsible.
Content creators on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, blogs, etc, are offering more general information and advice to the masses. As content consumers, it’s our responsibility to take it as it resonates and be reasonable with how we apply this information to our lives.
A general statement from a creator cannot possibly be written to apply to every person in every situation. It would be unreasonable to expect them to do so.
In fact, part of the reason I wrote this post because I absolutely use these phrases in my readings and on my instagram, and every time I do, I feel like I need an asterisk that explains all of this.
I would hate to hurt someone by offering a general spiritual phrase that may be insensitive to their specific situation, but at the same time, if the phrase is going to resonate with majority of my viewers in their less extreme circumstances, it feels reasonable to me to use it.
Ultimately, I believe we have to be in general spaces with a more open mind. If something is said that’s egregiously offensive in any context, then it should be called out.
But if something is said that’s only “toxic” if certain conditions and situations are applied to the phrase, then it’s on us as consumers to be reasonable and responsible about how we apply the phrase to our lives.
That’s all I have on this for today!
What’s your take on spiritual phases? Tell me about it in the comments!
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